Goodbye
by fallenleeves
Summary: Shepard returns to Ilium, post ME2 to deal with the painful ghost of Thane, and the affect his death has had on her life. Revised.


_Post ME2, as Shepard reflects on the loss of Thane ...  
Forgive me if it's short, and the style odd - I tried to capture what she might feel if  
No cure were found, and she was left to float on without him.__  
Soundtrack: Trading Yesterday.  
Please enjoy, I hope I made it moving._

* * *

The sun was setting on Ilium.

The sky painting the blues of the city in deep purples and soft hues of orange and red, the scene a tangled mix of light and shadow as I regarded the people moving about: turians, asari, a few salarian and krogan, laughing and arguing, talking in hushed tones and smiling.

The gentle wind ruffled my soft hair, and I brushed it out of the way with one hand, the other trailing along the railing over looking the bustling enterprises below, fingertips tracing oily memories.

It'd been awhile …

But long enough for me to still feel the ghost of him beside me when I wished to pay it heed.

The sky seemed to be darker these days, the threat of the collectors was so far removed, and there was no more intel on what the reapers were planning. Even so, the stars seemed to shine a little less brightly no matter where I was looking up at them from. Perhaps it was simply because my mind had forgotten how to appreciate them, forgot how to really see them – nothing seemed worth the effort anymore.

I bumped into an asari unintentionally, vaguely hearing her rude remark as I continued staring down, unseeing, the oily memories reconfiguring into muted tones and visceral emotions – I was somewhere else entirely, listening to soft laughter and kind words that whispered endearments into the shell of my ear, gloved hands slipping into my own, thumb brushing against the lines of my palm.

I stopped, seeing him there as he had been only mere months ago, leaning against the doorway, waiting for me. The smile was familiar, unforgettable, teasing and caring, that beautiful mouth laughing as I'd huffed at him, arms encircling my shoulders as he pulled me along, he had a surprise for me.

He'd wanted to revisit where we'd first met, but as we were then – _inseparable_.

He'd wound himself around my heart, and I had been putty in his capable hands – sensible thoughts meant nothing when it came to him.

I turned, leaning over the railing, my heart beating with dull, empty thuds.

Sometimes, when I closed my eyes, I could still see his chest rise and fall, the charcoal of his eyes closed in one of his wondrous expressions as I kissed my way down his throat. There – the shudder. Sinking into bliss had never been so easy, so why?

Why?  
Why did the trees sway to a wind that no longer drifted through them?  
Why did the candle continue to burn, locked in its glass jar?

There was no need anymore.  
There was no reason to breathe anymore, no reason to flicker in the dark – to be the light that everyone saw, but no one tried to reach.

All except _you._

How was it fair?  
I could stand here, and feel you beside me, but our tongues no longer work in synch anymore, when I speak, my words merely resound in empty space, the space you used to fill.

There.  
Again.

The way you would put your arms behind your back, expressing importance though the light in your eyes defied the relevance – you'd merely wished to stoke the fire, end the night with hot lips and hallucinations of skin forever sliding against skin – black fading into blue, green mixing with pale white – all while you,  
C_aught your breath._

I could use some hallucinations right about now.  
I could use the delusion of you embracing me … but you can't.  
I'm left to wander the galaxy without you.

Without you …

I've forgotten what it means.

What was it I came here for again?  
Oh yes, I wanted to talk to you, to see you.  
I wanted …  
I want …

I want to tell you … goodbye.  
I want to say, I'm sorry.

I _need_ to tell you … that I failed you, that you were mistaken.  
I cannot be the _siha_ you wanted me to be, if I were, you'd be here and I'd be drifting in the river of life, letting the eddies pool around me, letting me sink to a place where there was no responsibility but me and you.

Hah …

Who am I fooling?

The council can label me a fool all they want now.  
They'd be right. For once, I can admit they'd have some form of intelligence.  
You wouldn't like me saying that though …  
You'd raise my chin, and look me in the eye, and tell me that I was never a fool, never could be a fool.

But how can I tell you …

How can I say, I was a fool for falling in love with you?  
How can I describe to you, the way the moon rises and the scent of fresh cut flowers makes me reel at the thought of you?  
Makes me want to turn to you and share it?

How can I say that I would die again and again,  
If it would only reunite us once more?

My head falls onto my hand as I stare off into the distance; the cities buzz a quiet whir in the background.

Everything is in the background now.  
All except the images of your skin illuminated in blue, dappled by the very thing that sent you to your early grave.  
I'd always thought water was the giver of life – I thought a lot of things before you.

Now …  
What should I think?  
I think, but my mind only runs in insensitive circles – drawing me further down the path that will lead me to you – the place where I can lie against you in the dark and hear the content sound of your sleeping breath and cool body.

How my fingers itch to entwine with yours again.  
How I wish I'd spent days on end just talking to you, being with you.  
But now it's too late …

I failed.

There's nothing now but the ash my mind supplies as an answer for your absence.  
The cauterization has been well on its way for some time now – I can feel it, the way the wound has begun to recede unto a place where only you and I exist.  
A place where I no longer feel your hand on my cheek,  
Your eyes filled with some indescribable emotion as you search my own before taking your lips roughly to mine but with such gentleness my eyes still fill with tears upon remembrance.

I don't know what it's like to go on without you.  
What was it like before loving you?

I know there was a time before …  
But whenever I try to find that place again, I see cloudy images of you sitting with your hands folded, brows knitted as you contemplate some vast philosophy – the way they ease as I come to sit with you …

When will I be at ease?  
Will I ever be able to draw breath without shaking?  
Without thinking of the way it must have hurt you to draw breath after each time our lips found each others...

I will not be at ease again.  
There is only you …  
What's left of you…  
The jagged pieces my mind tries to puzzle back together as I stand here.

My team awaits me on the Normandy as they always do – but my back is momentarily turned.  
It's been turned longer than I'd like to admit.

Maybe it started when I realized that putting the pieces back together wouldn't make the picture whole.  
The picture of you.

I still try because I don't know what to do now.

I find myself on autopilot,  
On an autopilot that has no end, you took the key with you when you joined the earth and the sky,  
When you became the oily images that swirl in lazy eddies in the puddles of these muddied streets._  
_

Clouds have gathered.

I feel …  
I know that ...  
It's time to go …  
Raindrops have begun to fall,  
The soft pitter-patter echoing against buildings; droplets sliding down my cheeks –but all I think of … is you.

This time,

I cannot hear the crescendo coming,  
The sound of your heartbeat has slowed,  
The blood that's filled your lungs has begun to make a thick, wet sound with each breath,  
Your eyes imploring me to go – and _how can I_ resist?

The rain is falling in thick, pearly droplets now.  
The vibrations remind me of you,  
The you who isn't here with me anymore but _there_.  
The there that I cannot reach.

I wanted to say …  
I want to say …  
That …

Perhaps I really am a fool.  
Perhaps, only a fool can tell that the heartache will never go away.  
That your face will never fade,  
That _our_ memories live in the thunderclaps of life,  
The brief instances where you're as alive as the blood vessels that pump life into this reborn body,  
The body _you_ made feel alive,  
When all else felt hollow.

I came here for a reason.  
I came here, because the words you spoke to me by candlelight, implored me to …  
I came here against my will,  
For my will to re-emerge,  
The need to be with you,

One last time in memory.

I came here …  
To say goodbye.

* * *

_To all those who have felt loss,  
And know the bitter pain of going on,  
Without understanding why._


End file.
